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The Aftermath of an Affair

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“Devastating”.  That’s the word both General David Petraeus and Paula Broadwell used to describe the fallout they’re experiencing now their affair has been made public.  Seriously?!

Kissing your loved one goodbye in the morning only to watch them die when a plane crashed into their workplace on 9/11 is devastating.  Watching your home and your worldly possessions be swept out to see in a tsunami is devastating.  Having to grab your children and flee for your life to escape mortar shells lobbed by your government is devastating.

This was callous, self-indulgent, and calculated, as all affairs are.  Petraeus met Ms. Broadwell in 2006.  She followed him to Afghanistan in 2010 to do research for his biography.  They supposedly didn’t start their physical affair until November of 2011, after he retired from the military.  He was well aware that if it began while he was still on active duty, he could have been court-martialed for adultery.

According to an article in the News and Observer of Raleigh, NC, they ended the affair in August of 2012 because “it was mutually agreed that this was something they shouldn’t be doing”.  Really?  This was a 4-star general.  The man charged with leading two wars for his country.  The man who ran the Central Intelligence Agency, the premier spy agency in the world. He didn’t figure out until months into the affair that it wasn’t a good idea?  Astonishing!  And also not true.

What about the spouse?

One of the most difficult things for a betrayed partner to wrap their heads around is how their partner didn’t think about them.  How could they proceed to sleep with someone else if they thought about their spouse at all?  Or worse, did they think about them and then betray them consciously?  It is truly puzzling–and devastating.

What is necessary to remind someone that they are married?  I mean, is it really possible to forget?  Did it slip his mind that he had been sleeping next to a particular person for 37 years?  Did she forget who the two children were that she tucked in each night for bed?  Did they notice the rings on their left hands?  Even if it was just to remove them?

There are many who argue that once a cheater, always a cheater.  That it is a character flaw that cannot be altered.  I don’t want to agree with that position even though I, too, have questioned how thoughts of your spouse don’t change your course of behavior away from betrayal.  I have worked with cheaters who truly believed their spouses no longer cared about them.  I believe this  theory can be easily investigated before engaging in an affair–ask.  It does less damage and you just might find out you were wrong.

Affair-proof your marriage

Gen. Petraeus chose his paramour poorly.  As a result of her insecurity over another woman-no not the General’s wife-she sent emails that ensnared another General and resulted in the discovery of the affair.  Four families have been turned upside down, at least two careers, and probably three, are over, and the fallout shows no sign of stopping.

There was a simple way that all of this could have been avoided.  It’s the same way that you can keep your marriage from imploding as well.  Behave as if your partner is standing right next to you.  If you follow this simple advice you can avoid all of this uproar in your life.  It’s a habit you can form beginning on day one of your marriage.

The ubiquitous “mistakes were made” is just the ultimate denial of responsibility.  In this case, as in all affairs, mistakes weren’t made.  Choices were.  A series of choices that, one by one, led to the betrayal of vows and ruined lives.  Different choices, different outcomes.  As always, the choice is up to you.

Are you afraid your marriage is at risk for infidelity?  Do you act in a way that honors your marriage?  Does your partner?

Related Posts:
Why Gimmicks and Jewelry Won’t Keep Affairs Away
Facebook:  the Madness or Just the Method
Can an Affair Help Your Marriage–Maybe

Learn more about Lesli’s book and how it can help you affair proof your marriage.

Photo:  Sweetheart

The Aftermath of an Affair appeared first on the website of Lesli Doares - provider of expert marriage advice marriage counseling and marriage counseling in Cary NC, Lesli also serves clients in the Raleigh NC area and online.


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